1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
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“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!