[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
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All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
The days of good grammer has went
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
figuring out my emotional availability:
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
OMG 🤣🤣
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no