[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
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My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I would like even faster food.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.