[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
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Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not