[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
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My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.