1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
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My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S