1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”