1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
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“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.