1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
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I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is