1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
You Might Also Like
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Best spoiler warning ever
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?