[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
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Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.