[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
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Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.