[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
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No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Why am I like this?
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Air conditioning – not a fan
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.