1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
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My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.