[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
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Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Extremely relatable.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins