[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
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Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
kids play hide and seek like
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop