[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
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the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
The answer is funnier than the question
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX