1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Not today
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Lmfaoooooo
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.