[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
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Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
dutch is not a serious language
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?