2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
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If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
hey, alexa
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.