2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
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Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Jesus Christ lmao
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.