2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
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[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
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