2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
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Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
when revenge coincides with naptime
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR: