[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
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I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
what?
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.