2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
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If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I have many caverns
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.