*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
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DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
“I wouldn’t.”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.