[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
You Might Also Like
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there