@Fred_Delicious

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”

“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

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@sparklepants4

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

@JohnLyonTweets

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

@OfficeofSteve

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

@mommajessiec

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

@caseytduncan

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

@bridger_w

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

@Ygrene

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

@GoldenSpirals

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.