2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
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*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.