2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
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If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher