2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
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‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
.. do you even science?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes