2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
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Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Lmfaoooooo
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.