[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
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girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
termite twitter scares me
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on