2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
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One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My love language is deader than Latin
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
his wife is probably gonna see that
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.