2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
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they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots