[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
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I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant