[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

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wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”


Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.


I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.


I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma


When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.


Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference


Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage


Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.


My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.


[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]