2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
You Might Also Like
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Spell check is for lasers.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void