2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
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husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
what’s more important?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO