[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
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Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science