[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
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After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”