2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
You Might Also Like
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.