2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
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“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
(Electricians.)
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.