2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

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bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products


Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.


If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.


Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.


Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad


It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go


[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet