@XplodingUnicorn

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

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@MNateShyamalan

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

@DannyZuker

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

@fillthevacuum

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

@junejuly12

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

@MaryKoCo

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

@bourgeoisalien

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

@liljonlovitz

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet