[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
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Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
for all #parents out there
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.