[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
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I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
A customer told me they were never coming back….
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”