“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
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(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
A roof is a house hat.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes