20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
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I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet