20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
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Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us