20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
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A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped