20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
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My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
This is me
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
#Caturday
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4