20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
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Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
fired
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
A French press is when you hug naked
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
that wasn’t the question
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen