@ericsshadow

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

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@bingowings14

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

@OhNoSheTwitnt

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

@whimsik_l

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

@jrza206

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

@LoveNLunchmeat

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

@lovemydogduck

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

@truegritrumble

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

@TheBoydP

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

@jilleb163

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”