2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
You Might Also Like
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i